The Last Race

One year ago today I overcame one of the biggest obstacles in my life.

Thanks to Timehop, I saw a post that reminded me of this pivotal turning point in my life, and I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be really cool if I could share this story with all of you.

So like any millennial, I started drafting an Instagram post that kept getting longer… and longer… and longer. Until I exceeded the character limit.

Thus, what started out as a lengthy Instagram caption evolved into what is now my blog: Chasing Dreams and Finding Me. Because like most of you, I’m a dreamer who is still trying to figure life out.

I created this blog because wanted to share my thoughts and experiences with you. Why? To make connections with people and hopefully inspire hope in others who need it. Because at the end of the day, we are all humans trying to live our lives in the best way possible.

So without further ado, let me take you to the last race.

*cue Tom Riddle-like journal violently flipping pages until you get pulled inside my life*

Running. Running was always tough for me. I was never one of the fastest or most talented athletes, and I was injured for almost all of my running career.

Every time I stepped out for a run, even if it was just for a mile, I would experience excruciating pain that I never could seem to get it to go away. No matter what I tried, no matter what efforts I put into it, nothing seemed to fix the problem.

I often asked myself: how is this fair? I have done everything right. I have tried everything, seen every doctor, done every exercise, spent hours upon hours with extra appointments and activities, yet no one or nothing can fix me. How is this fair? I have done everything.

This confused and depressed me. All I wanted was to be able to run, be pain free, and be able to partake in the sport I love alongside my team. I wanted all of my hard work to pay off, and I wanted to accomplish something. But that’s not how it went for me. No matter my efforts, the pain just wouldn’t subside. The only thing that seemed to ease the pain was to not run at all.

In that moment I had a big decision to make. Is it worth the pain anymore? Should I continue and push through, or is this just a sign that it isn’t worth it anymore? These questions battled in my mind. What should I do?

I made the decision that I was going to push on. I didn’t want to give up, and I didn’t want to quit. Even with all of the hardships I had faced, I decided that I was going to push through the pain and make everything that I had tried in the past worth it.

I wasn’t going to give up on my running dreams, so I set new goals for myself. I set new expectations for myself. I made it my goal that I was going to run the last meet of our season: the last cross-country race of my high school career.

October 3rd, 2015. Today was the day I was going to make it happen.

Before the race, I was overwhelmed. It was freezing cold, and I felt sick all morning. The nerves raced through me and I was extremely anxious. What if I couldn’t finish? What if the pain was too much? What if I’m slow and embarrass myself? These questions spun through my mind.

I barely got through the warm-up. Although it was only a mile, my legs felt tight, and the pain in my stomach had already flared up. I thought to myself, if I couldn’t get through the warm-up, how could I race? How could I run 3.1 miles?

The nerves kept building. Right before the race we passed out bib numbers and there wasn’t one for me. Great! I thought to myself. After all of this, I won’t even be able to compete. But luckily, they sorted it out and I laced up my spikes to get ready to run.

Standing, waiting on the starting line, I was extremely nervous. I began to reflect on my training (which in retrospect wasn’t the best idea). The longest run I had completed in the past two years was a four-mile run that I had run the weekend before this race. I felt unprepared, but I reassured myself that if I could run 4 miles, I would be able to finish 3. Right?

I told myself I wouldn’t have to be the fastest; I just needed to finish. So I thought about all of the hours I had put into this moment. Not just the running. All of the hours of PT, all of the doctors’ visits, the strength training classes. I had done so much, there was no way I was going to back down now. I told myself that I could do it and I said a quick prayer.

Bang. The gun went off and the race began. Almost immediately the nerves flushed out of my system and I began to relax, focus, and settle in. Of course I was still nervous, but at this point I went into tunnel vision, entering race mode. I was prepared to conquer.

As for the actual race itself, I don’t remember much. Running is painful whether you are injured or not, so I attempted to zone out as much as possible to moderate the pain.

I remember certain moments like when I hit the mile and I could hear my coach yelling that I was “looking good.” I remember looking at my watching and thinking to myself “whoops, I took it out a little hard(er than I planned).”

I remember thinking to myself: You are strong. Strength. Focus. You can do this. I kept reminding myself of my strength and that I would be able to push through it.

I also remember telling myself, you’re almost done. You’re almost done. You’re almost there. Like most runners, the thought of making it to the finish propelled me on.

Coming down the home straightaway, I knew I had almost done it, but I felt dizzy and like I was going to throw up. In that moment I was SO CLOSE, but I didn’t know if I would be able to make it or at least make it without throwing up. I could feel myself about to get sick but I told myself to keep driving, to keep pushing on. I went into my sprint.

AND I MADE IT. Crossing the finish line I gagged and began throwing up (sorry for the graphic image). I collapsed onto the ground in intense pain and feeling nauseous. There is actually photo evidence of me puking across the finish line and then laying on the ground (message me if you want to see it sometime).

I took some deep breaths and I knew that I made it. I did it.

I have never felt a more rewarding feeling. I felt proud of what I had accomplished because I did something I never thought I would have been able to do. I never really liked being proud of myself; I always felt guilty or cocky, but in this moment I was so excited that I had reached my goal. I overcame the pain and the voices telling me that I couldn’t do it. In this moment, I knew that I could do anything that I set my mind to.

In this last race, I didn’t run the fastest. I didn’t set any records. I didn’t PR (in fact I was minutes slower than my PR). I didn’t place. I didn’t score. But none of that mattered in this moment. None of that was important. That’s not what this race was about.

I had finished. I had reached my goal. I wasn’t last (which is ALWAYS my goal). AND I DID IT.

Being my first race of the season, and last of my career, I was ecstatic to finally be able to run alongside my team and participate in the sport I was so passionate about. I was able to fulfill a dream and accomplish a goal. I did something that meant so much to me. Even though the pain was still there, in that moment, it didn’t matter.

I hit that runner’s high.

When I got to college, I was sad running was no longer a part of my life. I no longer had a team or teammates to support me. I no longer had competition or challenges that come with every run, practice, or meet. And I no longer had the feeling that I would be able to accomplish something. I felt kind of empty as running was no longer a focus of my life. For sure I enjoyed not running because running brought me so much pain, but I missed the other aspects of the sport that made it so great.

However, today I know that there are much greater things out there for me than running, although running still holds a special place in my heart. I admit that I wish nothing more than for my injury to go away so I can return to the sport I love. However, now I feel that is not God’s plan for me. He has much greater things in store than I could ever imagine.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

There are so many great things ahead in my life, and from my struggles with running, I have learned that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I can overcome any hardship thrown at me. These struggles taught me that you can do anything with hard-work, commitment, and faith.

Because,

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

I am beyond blessed in my life. I have the most amazing friends and family by my side. They love and support me no matter what.  They are always there to encourage me with my dreams.  They are always there when I am down or overwhelmed. I couldn’t have done any of this without the amazing support system they have provided for me.

So I guess I will leave you with this: you can accomplish anything you set you mind to. Do not set limits for yourself and do not let others tell you what you can and cannot do. With a little hard-work and a whole lot of faith, you truly can do anything. Although you may not accomplish your dreams in the way you see them, know that with God, all things are possible. His plans for you are greater than any you could imagine for yourself, so stay committed to your dreams and goals, believe in yourself, and keep strong faith.  You can do anything you set your mind to.